dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
