Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
