it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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