It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
