Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
