so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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