I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
