he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
