I like to think it a success when the cops are called
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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