i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
