omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
