i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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