I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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