Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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