I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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