Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
