And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
