Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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