Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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