My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
