Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
