I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just gargled with NyQuil
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
