the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
