okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
