It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
