how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
