Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
