I'm drive I can fine osifer
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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