Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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