Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
