I'm so fucking centered right now
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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