The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
