just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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