what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
