I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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