Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
