you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
