There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
