do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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