I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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