is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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