He told me they were just razor bumps!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
