im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
