I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
