I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My ass is underappreciated
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
