Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
