the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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