Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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