don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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