Why are handjobs necessary in class?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
