Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
